When I don't see a way...

I recently have felt the urge to write again.  I have only blogged once in my life and that was 8 months ago.  It seems like nothing has changed since that time, but everything has changed as well.  If I start blogging on a regular basis (which I think I will start doing), I will warn you in advance that I will probably not spell things right, be grammatically correct, and most likely bring my English teacher to tears from my errors.  Math has always been my strong subject, but not English.  With that being said, if you are a person that can't overlook a misplaced comma or run-on sentence, then Honey... this blog ain't for you!

Now that I have forewarned you of my weaknesses, we can move on to the good stuff.  I want this blog to be about my journey through this difficult time in my life.  I will talk a lot about God, my feelings, and lessons I am learning along the way.  I hope that through my blog I can help someone else. The one thing that I don't want to happen is to have my suffering wasted.  I can be bitter or I can be better, and I am going to chose the latter.  Believe me, I have really struggled with being jealous of other people's health and ability to go through life seemingly without any hiccups.  That is when I have to remind myself that everyone has battles of their own and for some reason, dealing with a health issue is on my plate at this time in my life.

I look back at the blog I wrote in December and I am sad to see that my circumstances have not changed much.  I wish I could blog today about the amazing healing that God provided for me, but I can not.  The truth is I am not healed.  I am weary and I am broken.  I knew there was great suffering that people have endured on this earth, but I never thought it would be me.  I feel for people who had to go through a major financial crisis, came from a dysfunctional family, were sexually, physically or emotionally abused, who have been betrayed by a spouse, or who have lost someone very close to them.  The loss of what should have been or what should be is almost unbearable.  You feel like no one really understands how you feel.  It is such a breath of fresh air when you find someone that has been down the same road and you can relate with each other.  I never thought I would have to be this uncomfortable, almost to the point of torture for so long.  Where are you Lord?  When God when?  Do you see the suffering, do you see the tears I cry at night?  Do you care?  Only you know Lord that when people ask me how I am doing and I reply "good", that really I am screaming on the inside, "I can't take it anymore!".  I want to be real with people, but even I get sick of talking about how crappy I feel all the time.

So I am here.  I am at the point where the emotions of this dizziness debacle are so raw.  I have nothing left.  I feel like I have nothing more to give.  I don't know how much longer I can fight this fight: the endless doctor visits, the concoctions of medicine,  the speculation of if my diagnosis (vestibular migraine) is correct or if it is something else, and of course the exhaustion of being dizzy almost  all the time.

But this is perfect, don't you see?  This is exactly where God wants me.  For when I come to the end of myself, this is when He can do His amazing work. I believe that He already has the right doctors, the right diagnosis, and the healing all lined up in His perfect timing and in His perfect way.  All I need to do is trust.  I will do my part and be still and know that He is God. (the stillness part can be very challenging, especially since I am a type A personality).   Now is the time that He can do exceedingly, abundantly more than I can ever ask or dream of. So if you have been dealing with something for several months or several years, I want to encourage you and I  that even when we don't see a way, He can make a way. 

Health is Wealth

I feel like I am ready to go on the T.V. show "Mystery Diagnosis."  As most of you know, I have been suffering from extreme dizziness, horrible headaches, ear pressure, and nausea.  It has been so bad that I have had to miss work, I couldn't read, watch TV or drive at times.  Thank God not every day is like that, but the couch has become too much of a friend to me lately.  It has been going on for a month now and after 2 Redimed visits, an ER visit, 2 ENT visits, and a MRI, we still don't know what is exactly wrong with me.  All we know for sure is that there is bulging fluid behind my ears.  Next week I am getting more lab work done and I am getting a sinus CT scan.  Hopefully we will have more answers then.
I have had a couple of "moments" during this time period.  I know I was probably Cruella Deville to the nurse practitioner at the ENT who tried to tell me that I had no fluid behind my ears even though it was confirmed by two other doctors.  I had a melt down of tears at work when someone asked me how I was doing.  One thing I have also realized is that there is a holiness to suffering.  I think God grants an extra dose of grace when people are going through suffering.  All we have to do is to quiet our complaining and He will reveal Himself to us.  It might be in a more powerful way than if we were not going through a tough time.  A huge source of my frustration came fromm encountering a few doctors who would not take the time to really help me.  Thank God  I now have 2 great doctors who are not going to leave any stone unturned.  I am trying to take one day at a time and even just each hour at a time.  I may feel fine in the morning and 30 minutes later my world is turned upside down (literally). haha Sorry I couldn't resist.
If I have learned anything through this process, it is that I can't try to figure everything out. I will end up exhausted and frustrated if I try to do so.  I need to do my part and let God be God.  I am more thankful for things too.  I have a appreciation for people who have a chronic illness or disability and they continue to live life to the fullest potential that they can.  My work family, husband, immediate family and friends have been so understanding and helpful to me.  I am so grateful for that.  God is our "Great Physician" and I know "this too shall pass."  Until then, I am going to try to have a good attitude and when it does pass, I might just go sky-diving to celebrate.  Want to join me?